I’m fairly new to blogging. It’s been great few months now. I wish I could write every day.
However, I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old running around our house so I only have so much time to get stuff across and to actually sit down and write. When my Big Girl is in school and the baby’s napping I’m cooking. I’m crazy! I do it every day literally. Not because I love it, but I because I want my kids to eat home cooked meals made with organic ingredients. If I squeeze in some time for writing during the day, I’m thrilled. Otherwise, I do it at night, unless I pass out at 9pm. That’s my life in a nutshell. Nothing glamorous, even though I live in a glamorous city.
Motherhood is a drastic change, and it takes a bit of adapting. I really felt it in the first year, and the second and the third…And almost 6 years later I’m still adapting. There’s always something new to learn – about my children and about my new role as a mom.
When my second baby came around I’ve decided it made more sense to stay at home with my children. Oh, boy! I was not prepared for this whole new experience, I must admit. It’s great, and hard, and tiring, and stressful and beautiful. And yes, it can be dull at times and certainly you feel the shocking difference in your life pre- and post-childbirth.
I’ve swapped my addiction for girlfriend nights out, leisurely shopping for clothes, sleeping in, and reading serious literature, with disciplining and reconciling two grouchy siblings, cooking, and reading “Fox In Socks” every night times 3.
For weeks I’ve been a milk maker, mediator, diaper changer and sporadically ‘lady who showers and smells nice’… I stress “sporadically” here. As my new role emerges, all other things become cloudy and less integrated and I begin to wonder “Who am I really?”.
Today I’ve stumbled upon an article, written by a mom, who questions whether children = happiness. I really hope her kids never find this article, but I totally understand where she is coming from. She was very brave to write this. I sometimes wonder if my own mom ever felt this way.
Read the article and tell me what you think.
Do you identify with her point of view, or think she needs to reconsider her priorities? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Does motherhood equals happiness or identity loss, or both?
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Hi Tamara! Your children are beautiful… just like their mama! Ok, so I read this the other day and have been discussing it with some of my girlfriends – at length – and we all unanimously agree that YES, motherhood = happiness. To each of us, our children are, without a shadow of a doubt, the most amazing, the funniest, the most adorable, the smartest, the most beautiful human beings we have ever laid our eyes on. They never cease to amaze us. Motherhood has brought to our lives a bigger love than we had ever known; a bigger pride, joy, amazement. We had all heard of “unconditional love”, but only discovered it once our children were born. So yes, motherhood = happiness. – BUT…and this is a BIG OL’ BUT…get ready for the cliché…this is by far THE most difficult thing we have ever done. Yes, we love our children and we wouldn’t change our lives for anything in the world… but we all unanimously miss the person we used to be before we were mothers. Like me, the women I spoke with all have young children, so our kids are quite dependent on us. In most of our cases, we rush at work all day and then rush home (or to pick up the kids at daycare before they start charging us additional fees for every minute we’re late). Then we rush to make sure the kids are fed, bathed, read to and snuggled. We rush to make sure homework is done and lunches are made for the next day and that tomorrow’s clothes are laid out for school. Often, before we have had the chance to sit, we have rushed to their bedside once or twice because they’ve woken up crying because they’re scared or they’re sick or they just need us. In the very short time we have with them before bedtime, we hear ourselves saying (sometimes screeching) ‘no’ for the 879th time and we feel badly for it. When we are finally done for the day, we feel blessed for the moments we were able to spend with our beautiful babies. We also feel badly because it wasn’t all snuggles and quality time. And then we go to bed. And if we were lucky to sleep through the night without interruption, we rush to their bedside to make sure they’re ok. And then we do it all over again. And who were we before all this? Well, we were complicated. We were fun and sometimes spontaneous. We could be selfish and thought about ourselves first…and we liked it. We had more time to be wife and girlfriend. We went to the movies (one of my favourite things to do) to watch something that wasn’t made for children. We went to dinner (on a weekday!) and had actual conversations. We decided on (and took) last-minute romantic weekend trips. We liked our lives. Really liked our lives. And that’s what we miss. I am now trying to finish writing this with Scooby-Doo blaring beside me, so I have become a bit distracted. I don’t think you need to feel sorry for the author of the article you shared with us. I don’t think she is feeling sorry for herself either. She made it quite clear that she adores her children and they are her priority… but like me and my girlfriends, despite being mothers, we are still human and we miss the freedom we had to have pure, selfish and often spontaneous fun. I hear that as our young kids start to get older, we start to regain some of our freedom. And I’m looking forward to that! But I also hear that as we regain that freedom, we will miss these moments when our kids needed us so much. Ah well, nobody told us this was going to be simple.
Thank you for putting things into perspective. Lovely!!!!
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I don’t feel sorry for the author of the article, at all. It really takes guts to give a voice to the feelings of loss and grief for one’s old life and dissatisfaction with one’s new life as a mother that I would venture to say many, if not most, mothers feel. I feel more sorry for the millions of mothers who do not feel comfortable speaking honestly about the things that often “suck” (for lack of a better descriptor) about being a mother. Whether or not mothers are honest with others in their appraisal of their role, there is an awareness at some level the choice to take on the role of mother can be filled with inner turmoil (which, I acknowledge, doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, but can be a growth experience). Why else would I have gotten to this post by Googling “identity change motherhood?”
I am a married woman in her late 30′s living in one of the most “child centric” neighborhoods in the largest city in the U.S. As a woman who is nearly certain she does not want to become a mother, due in large part to reservations about many of the issues raised in the article, I wholeheartedly applaud the author’s candor. How many women have become mothers thinking life will be fulfilling and magical once their children are born just to find that perhaps it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? One way we can support each other as women is to be honest about how difficult and, yes, unsatisfying, motherhood can be. There is much to be learned from the author’s honesty, by both other mothers and by women who do not have children.
I LOVE your take on the article.
I especially agree with you that this “inner turmoil” can be a growth experience. I have certainly matured & changed quite a bit since becoming a mom. But what I love about this is that I’m learning to repossess some aspects of my identity that were never really lost, but have actually grown secretly, and are coming back in a new and more beautiful light now.
Thank you for sharing!